Tuesday, September 1, 2009

LONG DAY AND NIGHT

Night time is when I miss Michael most of all. The stress of work and bills is taking it's toll on my sleep. I was up at 4 this morning and it is almost midnight. I was very tired but when my head hit the pillow, all I could feel was my sisters heart breaking...seeing his face.

My sweet kitty always tries to help by snuggling but there is nothing he can do...or me either.

I don't know if I should find a grief recovery group of my own or now.

I haven't been to church in a really long time. There is one close to home that I will try on Sunday.

I have lost touch with my creator so completly I don't even know if he hears me when I do speak.

Right now for reasons I won't go into I find myself dependant on the stored supplies I have on hand and realize that although I am blessed, I need to plan better. My stores are enough to last about 3 weeks but it is incomplete. Too many repeated meals.

So while I am using the stores I will plan and list things that I missed. When things are better, then I will know what to start stocking up on again.

Winter is coming and I need wood most of all. I will keep watching craigs list but others are thinking the same way. It goes fast.

Keeping on learning

3 comments:

Faith said...

Tracy,

You've got so much stress in your life. We were not meant to live this way and it is overwhelming you.

You are dealing with Michael's death, mourning for your sister's loss as well. You are also mourning the loss of your relationship with your daughter, and not having the little ones near you.

You are working long hours, getting no sleep, and feeling like you are losing ground on all your hard work.

No wonder you feel the way you do!

Yes, you are grieving. Whether you need a group or not, I don't know. We need to talk about these things regularly, and if you are not doing that with friends or family, a group can be helpful. Really that's all paying for groups and therapists is, letting them take the place of talking things out with friends who have wise counsel and love you.

When our spirits get noisy (That's how I refer to it in my own life.) due to our emotions and thoughts, it becomes almost impossible to hear the Lord speak to us.

When I go through a rough patch, it takes time to be quiet enough on the inside to focus on hearing Him. The time frame gets shorter and shorter as I mature and go through various trials, but I am very familiar with it.

He doesn't move, He is unchanging. It's we that move.

I go to church, but it is more for fellowship for me. For growth and for knowing my Father in Heaven, I seek Him myself. I want to know Him so much, and the more I know Him, the more I love Him and realize just how much He loves me.

I have all sorts of studies I do. Here is one of my favorites. You can read them, or listen to them online while you work, which is what I do. www.TorahClass.com

It begins in the first chapter of Genesis, and covers who God is, from the very beginning of what He told us about Himself. You might try it out. :)

~Faith

Peggy said...

Tracy, My heart goes out to you. Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. Like Faith said you are going through so much right now. God is always there. He will never leave you and will hear every word or thought. Stay strong and know you are loved by many blog friends and neighbors.

SWEETHEARTS MOM said...

Thank you Faith and Peggy. Wow good counsil. You guys really are amazing.